all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
