Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
