the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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