I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
