Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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