That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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