Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just threw up on my dentist
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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