Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
