The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just invented taco cereal.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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