My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
