i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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