i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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