Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
