Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I smell like Dick and happiness
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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