dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
