Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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