just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
