Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
