So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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