I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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