Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
