Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
