i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
