there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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