I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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