were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
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I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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