In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
