drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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