Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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