cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
