it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
