Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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