she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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