So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
