I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
