I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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