Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
