wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
