If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
