I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
