I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
