my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
