does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
