My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
