The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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