he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
