I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
