I think I died a long time ago.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
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I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
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Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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