I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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