My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
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Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
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It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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