I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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