Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
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I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
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Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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