This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
