everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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