I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
