The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
