oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
