Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
