Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
